What Modern Dating Taught Me About Companionship

If you’re reading this, perhaps you’ve already been on a date with a companion, or maybe you’re simply curious. I’m sure you’ve also been on a few ordinary civilian dates in your life. If not, there’s still plenty of time for that…

Recently I tried dating civilian men again (aka normal dating). At first it felt exciting, six thousand matches piling up within a few days. But very quickly I started asking myself: how do I actually find the men I would enjoy spending time with?

You can swipe through hundreds of profiles, but how do you know whether the man on the other side is worth the effort of getting ready? Hair, makeup, a beautiful outfit, travelling across London only to end up sitting through a mediocre dinner, watching the clock between long silences and wondering why you bothered leaving the house.

After talking to close to a hundred men and going on only a handful of dates, I realised something uncomfortable: one date was genuinely fun, but most of them came nowhere close to the enjoyment I’ve had on some of my companion dates. I decided to stop and look at my life anyway. I already have some incredible companion gentlemen in my life - smart, thoughtful men. Men who appreciate women. Men I can share breakfast with, drink wine with on the sofa, laugh with in a nightclub, or simply sit beside and feel completely at ease.

And I thought to myself — why would I settle for less when some of the most enjoyable, relaxed and memorable dates of my life have happened within companionship?

Yes, we can argue that they’re not exactly the same — but who are we to define what kind of relationship or dynamic can develop between two people? Two people can still develop affection, trust, familiarity, humour, tenderness, comfort, chemistry, ritual and memory.

What is it about civilian dating that can feel so lacking? No, it isn’t simply the luxury restaurants or the money involved, although I’m sure that’s the first thing some people would love to point out. The answer is far simpler: thoughtfulness.

Why put so little effort into someone you may ultimately spend months or even years of your life with? People will spend more time researching the car they’re going to buy than thinking about the woman they’re hoping to spend an evening with. Planning a thoughtful date really doesn’t take that much time.

Then there’s conversation. Nobody wants to spend an evening sitting through awkward silences, strange energy and the feeling that neither person is particularly enjoying themselves. What about mutual enjoyment? Curiosity? Ease? The feeling that both people are actually contributing to the experience?

A transactional framework doesn’t automatically make every human interaction inside it false. In some ways, it can remove a lot of the wasted energy and ambiguity that comes with modern dating. Particularly when you’re busy, working on several things at once, and

trying to create a beautiful, juicy life of your own, conventional dating can start to feel like an enormous amount of output for very little return.

So where does that leave dating a companion?

There’s nothing wrong with simply enjoying a passionate evening and meeting some wonderful men along the way, even if it’s only for one evening.

For me, the best companion dates have warmth to them. I love to laugh, I love getting to know the person I’m with, and I love creating that cosy, easy atmosphere where we can both relax and enjoy each other’s company.

And as for the rest? Well, I won’t be telling you everything here. My encounters are private, and some things are much better left for you to discover for yourself.

There are plenty of fabulous men out there whom I would genuinely love to see appear in my inbox and spend a beautiful evening with. What can I say? I still love men and I love their company. That is partly why I wanted to share more of my own perspective on companionship and dating, because it is a point of view that very few people ever get to hear honestly.

And if reading this happens to inspire you to plan something thoughtful with me, well - I’d be rather flattered.