Bodies Don’t Lie: On Sex, Presence and Performance

It’s no secret that I’ve been able to see behind the polished exterior of many city boys, CEOs, regular degular men, nerds, and maybe a husband or two. I’ve met them all.

They present as charming, articulate, well-dressed and perhaps even successful. Some are nervous. Some are simply very good at hiding it. But after enough encounters, you develop an instinct for reading people. Whether I say it or not, I’m paying attention. I notice.

And what I’m curious about — and I’m sure you are too — is what happens when intimacy begins.

We head to the boudoir. The fancy clothes come off. The armour slips. The carefully presented image begins to fall away, and something else appears.

Who is he really?

Patient? Insecure? Entitled? Attentive? Ego-driven? Present? Can he receive feedback? Can he actually tune in to another person, or is he too busy performing the version of himself he wants to believe in?

The clothes and façade of the regular world can hide these traits, but once things become intimate, they have a habit of appearing.

The body doesn’t lie very well.

Some of you may not like the idea that we notice this much, or that we analyse at all. But after years of meeting men in unusually intimate circumstances, it would be impossible not to think deeply about what repeats.

You may come to us for a hundred different reasons. But I want to share what I’ve noticed about what actually makes an experience good — and dispel a few myths along the way.

Maybe bringing some of this into the light will help you relax.

And perhaps help you understand what we actually like.

Or, more accurately, what I do.

I think that’s part of why we enjoy being with another person so much. Nowadays, there is so much holding up of pretences, so much presentation, that intimate spaces offer somewhere we can simply be with another person.

But then there are those who seem to be trying to re-enact a scene they’ve seen after too much consumption of porn.

Yes, it’s a thing nowadays. Porn is mostly created for men, although I’m really not much of a watcher myself. I get far more satisfaction from the real thing — or from my own memories. I can delve into that whole topic another day, but back to my original thought.

Timing and pacing matter.

Women’s bodies take time to warm up.

It begins with the first kiss, when you finally stop filling the air with all the talking.

Dare I say it, a good kisser can make or break a date.

Can he follow my rhythm, or is he simply trying to suck on my tongue?

If that’s your thing, cool, but I’m talking about me here. Yes, that’s right — my point of view.

Sometimes I wonder what actually makes a good kiss. Gentle, building pressure? A rhythm that deepens as we keep going?

It’s such an erotic act when it’s done right.

Then there’s something quite beautiful about seeing a grown man suddenly reduced to a giddy little child when confronted with the sight of titties. He may have opinions on the stock market or AI, but suddenly his eyes have locked onto them and his mouth begins exploring.

Sucking and licking can be tender, dirty, pacifying, almost embarrassingly intimate.

There is a very specific pleasure in having your nipples sucked by a man who is not rushing to the next thing.

Can he let pleasure linger?

Does he notice my reaction, or has he already rushed onto the next checkbox, using me as a prop?

Words like harder, faster, quicker spring to mind.

Kiss. Grab. Oral. Penetration. Finish.

These things are often mistaken for erotic skill, when the real skill is staying present with the person in front of you.

Good sex is not a sequence. It’s sustained attention.

There is no single “right way” to do it.

Videos online are not real life. You don’t need to perform some fantasy you’ve seen on a screen.

If you want a more genuine experience — something that doesn’t feel mechanical — then some of the checklists and preconceived ideas have to go.

Men will sometimes complain that an experience felt mechanical, but if you treat someone like a prop in your movie and don’t interact with the real body in front of you, instead simply carrying out the “act”, then how can it feel real?

Women’s bodies require observation.

Is she enjoying it? Does that work for her body?

Some of you may not like hearing feedback, but if you want a better experience for both of us, then hear me out.

Female pleasure requires humility and flow.

Can you stay with what is working instead of carrying around a fixed idea of what the female body responds to?

Can you hear slow, there, don’t stop, no without taking it as an insult?

So, what makes it good?

Timing.

There is a time and a place for a quickie, but most of the time that isn’t going to create the same mutual experience as when we are both suitably aroused.

Are you curious about her pleasure?

That kind of man is definitely rarer, but he is also far more likely to have a genuine experience.

Does he pay attention when she isn’t responding, or does he simply carry on?

I don’t need to sit here and tell you what to do, although I have already given a few gentle hints as to what makes the experience that little bit more enjoyable — and more real — for a woman.

I don’t need to paint every picture with my words, because some of the most beautiful and erotic experiences don’t happen through telling.

They happen through showing.

So next time you have a date, show me that you’re present.

Show me that you’re engaged with my pleasure.

Show me in the gentle way you kiss me, and in the way your hands trace my body as though they are exploring it and taking everything in, moment by moment.

Leave the checklists and preconceived ideas about how it should be there on the floor with the clothes.